It will be boffo!
A victim of burnout, the City of Madison’s crackerjack public information officer, Dylan Brogan, asked the Head Groundskeeper to stage manage Mayor Satya Rhodes Conway’s next news media conference. Glad to do it, pal!
Satya, baby, yer lookin’ good! Ready to make some history? Give ’em both barrels, the full nine yards — so to speak. Don’t worry about the Woke P.C. crappola — that’s what got you in trouble to begin with. You can’t please the socialists and run a city. It isn’t possible. We both know Francesca Hong is aiming for your job next spring after she loses to Tom Tiffany.
Now, try to stay on the script we wrote for you. Lose the first joke — it’s NSFW; just go with the second one. Don’t worry, I’ll be talking in your ear the whole way through. Remember, I control the electroshock button. Now get out there and do that thang!
“Good morning, everyone. Thanks for coming to the City County Building through all that tear gas. Please make use of the Kleenex at your places.
“Speaking of stupid, Francesca Hong is why they put instructions on a bottle of shampoo. Wait for raucous laughter.”
Satya, don’t actually read the stage instructions out loud. Now go into the Gunnery Sergeant Hartman persona we rehearsed out of Full Metal Jacket.
“Now listen up, you maggots, and listen up good!
• Madison’s BLM/Antifa social justice warriors are using a career criminal’s death while resisting arrest as an OPPORTUNITY to implement their agenda. They’re saying it out loud: defund the police; empty the jails. Not going to happen. Not on my watch.
• My only mistake in clearing out the Corey Ruiz Autonomous Zone was letting it form in the first place.
• There is never, anywhere or any time, the right to Resist Arrest! If you do resist arrest, you will be hurt. It’s not supposed to be a fair fight. I want police to protect themselves from harm before — not after — that harm.”
Yer doin’ great, Satya. Control room, roll the police drone video. Sound engineer, play Ride of the Valkyries from Apocalypse Now.
• “I call on Francesca Hong to apologize for inciting riotous behavior by summarily and without evidence pronouncing the death of Corey Ruiz “an execution.”
• The WI Department of Criminal Investigation will determine after careful study the split-second decision the Madison police officer made after being wounded by the suspect he was trying to arrest. AND ONLY the DCI.
• We made a mistake by withdrawing police from the street to supposedly “de-escalate the situation.” Last time we de-escalated, social justice warriors tried to burn down the town. From now on this City applies the General Colin Powell doctrine: decisive and overwhelming force.”
Now pound the podium like it was a two-dollar beefsteak.
• “We just blew 27 million dollars on a homeless shelter; dammit! We’re 8-point-6 million dollars in the frickkin’ hole. If we keep going like this, property taxpayers are the ones who will be homeless.
• The Independent Police Monitor is not getting her million dollars. In fact, we’re zeroing out the whole sorry sack of doggie-doo.
• We are expropriating funding for the independent police monitor to buy police officer body-worn cameras. AND billy clubs like the State Patrol has. Chief Patterson, show them yours.”
Big finish, Satya. Control room, cue the National Anthem!
• The police monitor’s remarks and actions were more than “disturbing.” I am firing her ass for interfering with police and for threatening to “Burn down this city.”
• Police Chief Patterson has personally slapped the cuffs on Aeiromique Glass and is holding her for incitement to riot.
• Brenda Konkels’ Social Justice Center has been shut down as a public nuisance and is being treated as a crime scene.
• I am reassigning Doctor Gelembiuk to parking meter patrol.
Thank you.
Blaska’s Bottom Line: If Satya won’t say it …
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