It’s beginning to look a lot like a freezing cold, Global Climate Change Christmas at Stately Blaska Manor.
The electrified barbwire fence is decorated with garlands of evergreen and holly. The guard tower beams gaily colored search lights on the surrounding neighborhood. The little lights are not twinkling (“Thanks for noticing, Ed”) on the holiday buckthorn tree. Probably a blown fuse. Fix it next year.
Cousin Eddie stopped by to empty the black water from his tenement on wheels into the storm drain. He’s stocking up on dog chow, now.
The indentured servants are singing “Twelves Days of Christmas” from Twisted Sister’s Christmas album (“… Six cans of hair spray/ f-i-i-i-i-i-ive skullhead ri-i-i-i-i-ings/ four quarts of Jack/ three studded belts/ two pairs of spandex pants/ – and a tattoo of Ozzy Osborne.”
The white lab coats at the Policy Werkes (and Tanning Salon) are key punching their Santa wish lists into Ol’ Sparky, our Eisenhower-era mainframe stored in the tool shed.
For the campus-area liberals who booed my good words for Betsy DeVos at their town hall last February, a Trump rubber ducky (pictured) to make bath time loads of fun as his administration defunds Sesame Street.
Even the Gaylors may get religion gazing upon the Hipster Nativity Scene (pictured). Hey, if the Pope can update the Lord’s Prayer, we can update the first Christmas. “Each set is hand-crafted and hand-painted by a real life hipster” for $129.
For the Roy Moore supporters, these stockings (pictured) pair well with wine. These should be on every Emily’s List!
For the bathroom hermit who has everything, an appliance called Tushy, if only because the shopper can on-line “chat with a real pooping human.” (Charlie Esser, this is for you!)
For the social justice warriors, disposable coffee cups that say It’s O.K. to say Merry Christmas. (Smuggle some into the nearest Starbucks.)
The book on the history of my alma mater, The Capital Times, to forward to my libel attorney.
To facilitate the learning process, an Albert Einstein doll (pictured) to AnonyBob and Old Baldy.
The pint-sized 14½”-tall professor pairs with a WiFi-enabled app that empowers him to do everything from calculate an equation to clearly explain why E=mc2. While he pontificates in his slight German accent, his moving eyelids, wrinkled brow, and bushy eyebrows facilitate the learning process.
A membership in the Dane County Republican Party. C’mon, you conservatives. Quit cheating them out of their dues.
A four- week free subscription to Stately Blaska Manor to my friend State Rep. Terese Berceau, D-Madison. (“But it’s already free.”)
Are you sure it is better to give than receive? Doesn’t feel like it. As for me, can someone tell me how to turn on the parental control device on Spectrum? The Missus is binge-watching the Hallmark channel. If I hear one more cute kid’s piping voice exclaiming “the spirit of Christmas” I’ll go postal. I feel like Hannibal Lecter tortured by the TV running that fundamentalist preacher 24/7.
In the meantime, pocket-sized copies of the U.S. Constitution to the Derail the Jailers who busted up the budget meeting of the Dane County Board. (Bonus chapter: “What to do if you are stopped by the police.”)
We join wise old Mr. Potter in wishing our adversaries “Merry Christmas — In JAIL!”