Who says Wisconsin Democrats don’t have a deep bench? Dane County Exec Joe Parisi begged off. State Sen. Tim Cullen backed away. U.S. Rep. Ron Kind, out. State Sen. Jennifer Schilling, another no. While Kathleen Vinehout, Tony Evers, and Paul Soglin still equivocate, my liberal et cetera acquaintances could be forgiven for thinking they had been forsaken by that Big General Manager in the Sky.
Then, in the darkness of their long night of despair, in the depth of their political Gethsemane — like a last-minute Obama administration Cash for Clunkers bailout — came the bright shining light of Hope. The Democratic Party of Wisconsin was not dead! Near bankrupt, maybe. ($36,000 as opposed to $1.7 million in the Republican vault.) Down to their lowest Assembly numbers in 60 years. No challenger for a conservative supreme court candidate. Losing a presidential election for the first time in 32 years — to Donald Trump! But still alive! At least, technically.
For, arising phoenix-like from the ashes of defeat came one brave challenger after another, ready and able to defeat the the completely awful, widely hated, evil Koch Twin, Scott Walker. (Everybody knows he didn’t graduate from high school, right?)
First there was Bob Harlow, age 25. Then Andy Gronik, that household name. Then the lion of the Assembly (or is it the Senate?) Dana Wachs! Giants walk the earth! The very earth trembles under their big shoes. No wonder The Capital Times exclaimed, “Scott Walker is running scared.” (“Scott Walker’s running scared.”) So scared, that Republicans “are throwing tantrums.”
No, no, no! Not Andy Gronik! Not Dana Wachs! Not Harlow! (Gronik, Wachs and Harlow! Oh my! Gronik …)
The floodgates are open. What other Big Name would challenge Walker the Terrible? We had not long to wait. This week, WISC-TV’s Channel 3000 dropped the bomb:
“Cross Plains woman announces run for governor.”
Aside from being a Cross Plains woman, she is also a Wisconsin native, it turns out. And she’s comin’ to get you, Scott Walker. Tantrum on aisle 6!
At first, the white lab coats here at the Policy Werkes concluded that the newly announced candidate must have no name recognition whatsoever if the headline calls her “Cross Plains woman.” After all, when Trump announced, did the New York Times headline the story, “New York man to run against New York woman”? No, it did not. (The actual headline read: “Vile Reptile attacks St. Hillary the Just”.)
The photograph accompanying the Channel 3000 report on Walker’s latest challenger, that woman of Cross Plains, appears to be a stock image from Shutterstock. Hey, there’s no law that says you have to use your real picture.
Clearly, Cross Plains Woman is smart as a fox. (No Trump-like slur intended.) The woman is piggybacking (no Trump-like slur intended) on the Hildabeast’s near-miss of a campaign. Only, unlike the Hildabeast (no Trump-like slur intended), Cross Plains Woman is likely to visit Wisconsin. She is, after all, a native.
The candidate could recycle the ‘beast’s political yard signs. Instead of “I’m With Her,” They would read “I’m with Cross Plains Woman.”
Picky, picky, picky
Former Scott McCallum aide John Reinemann asks, “What does she do? Experience? Positions? Priorities? Come on, Channel 3000, throw us a bone here.”
John, what do you need to know? The woman is from Cross Plains. Is you in or is you ain’t? K.I.S.S. Don’t need no stinkin’ issues! Why should Cross Plains woman be any different than Mary Burke or Tom Barrett?
Facebook friend David Moore wonders “Did Channel 3000 just assume this candidate’s gender?” Which raises the question, perhaps she only identifies with Cross Plains. Maybe she was born a he in Black Earth! (Identity politics, Democrats. It’s comin’ to get ya!)
Facebooker Don Jacobson was put in mind of a Neil Diamond song:
Cross Plains Woman, she shines with her own kind of light/
she’d look at you once and a day that’s all wrong is all right.
Christopher Casey is another Facebook friend. (They beat real, actual friends, who always seem to disappoint.) He asks, “Wasn’t there a Clint Eastwood movie? High, Cross Plains Drifter?” I believe there was, CC. Didn’t it have a monkey?
Reinemann, acting all important (“I’ve been to school and stuff”) interrupted to say he had heard tell of Piltdown Man and even “Louisiana Woman.” He wonders if Cross Plains Woman was related to The Onion’s “Area Man.” Good question. The Onion reported that “Area Man’s intelligence too intimidating for most women.”
Let’s hope Cross Plains Woman is too intelligent for Wisconsin voters, who are so stupid they keep voting for Scott Walker, Ron Johnson, and Paul Ryan. But the see-what-you-want platform, the evocation of small-town Wisconsin, and the blatant appeal to gender may prove compelling. (Quick, Scott Walker, move to Rockdale!)
The State of Michigan won’t let Kid Rock use his name on their ballot but if Wisconsin allows “Cross Plains Woman,” Wauwatosa Man may have reason to worry. Like that broken clock, The Capital Times will have been right about something.