… as a Vince McMahon barbwire cage match!

Switchboard operators at Blaska Policy Werkes are not accepting in-coming phone calls Thursday (06-27-24) from 8 to 9:30 p.m. CST. Door-to-door missionaries, we found Jesus and he was doing well, last we checked.

The Head Groundskeeper is tapping his b&w Philco into our neighbor’s cable for the presidential debate on CNN. We suspect the streets of Madison WI — indeed, the nation — will look like San Francisco appeared through Gregory Peck’s periscope in On the Beach: completely deserted after the nuclear war. (We’re not ruling out nuclear war during the telecast. If we were Putin, that would be the time.)

At this point, the Werkes stipulates that we watch political debates not so much for policy differences, which are ephemeral in any case (and also beyond our comprehension), but for clues as to the intangibles, like temperament and heft. Sort of like where are Harry and Meghan in the parade? In the bus following the gilded carriages or backing up the horse guards with shovels?

 We’re looking for the telling moment

The crippling gaffe. A furtive glance at a wrist watch. The president of Mexico lives in Egypt. “I’m out of ammunition.” We’re cheering for the knock-out punch. Nikki saying Vivek is making everyone dumber. “You’re no JFK.” Not exploiting his “youth and inexperience.” Not that anyone expects policy from either of the two geriatrics on stage. Lincoln/Douglas this will NOT be! Entertainment? Big time!

NY Times columnist Ross Douthat fantasizes that Biden will go all Grandpa Simpson and shake his fist at the clouds. Trump “will turn into Colonel Jessep under Jake Tapper’s questioning and claim full responsibility for the 2021 riot at the Capitol.”

The Werkes imagines MAGA Nation cheering when Trump spits: “Yer goddamn right I did!” (Maybe this nation really does need a Code Red!)

At some point, under this scenario, Trump turns to Biden and barks, “You can’t handle the truth.” He might also confuse Jake Tapper with Lt. Weinberg. Challenge him to stand a post at Mar-a-Lago.

Babylon Bee thinks the Biden team has fed CNN moderators a softball question: “Please demonstrate your fitness for being president by standing perfectly still with your arms stiffly to the side and staring blankly ahead.”

We know CNN has laid down debate rules but, as the Houston Astros proved, garbage cans are made to be banged upon.

 Bang the garbage can slowly

Remember how Trump seeded the live audience with Bubba’s bimbos during his debate with the Hildabeast? (Good times!) There’s no live audience at this week’s studio production. But if Biden is on his game — scratch that. If his handlers are on their game, they put headphones on E. Jean Carroll disguised as a studio techie and slip her next to the TV cameras. Bats her eyes, mouths “Donald, try this on for size! Meet you in the dressing room.”

Trump quips that he doesn’t want to sandbag Biden, lest he be tripped up. Taunts, “I hope that white powder on your nose is talcum!” Asks, “Seen Corn Pop, lately?”

Dangling a pair of handcuffs, Biden asks Trump “Are these too big for your small hands?” Reading from cue cards, Biden inquires: “Still want to hang Mike Pence?”

Kidding aside (were we?), this much is certain: Thursday night will not resemble the soporific debate between Hillary, Bernie, and Martin O’Malley (who?) in 2016 over whose single-payer medical plan was more mysterious than dark matter. That dirge went so deep into the policy weeds that this viewer felt like diving headfirst into a tub of Roundup, without a snorkel.

Prediction: CNN cameras switch to fistfight breaking out between Trump’s Secret Service agents and Biden’s.

Blaska’s Bottom Line: Fair warning, if any actual policy is discussed, we’re switching the Philco to COPS! (“Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do?” 🎵)

What is YOUR debate drinking game?

Mine is every time Trump says “Kamala”