Blaska writes the Inaugural address

Ask not what he can write for you!

Thought we’d have a go at writing Donald Trump’s inaugural address, in case he left his on the bus up from Mar-a-Lago. We would be paid by the word.

We take credit for writing half of Tommy Thompson’s sesquicentennial speech in 1998. Kevin Keane wrote the other half and excised the part Blaska wrote about pigs squealing in the basement of Madison’s first capitol building. (There really were!) The idea was to show how far Wisconsin had come in 150 years but losing the hogs probably made for a more uplifting message.

What should The Donald say on Monday, 01-20-25 — a day that will LIVE …? (No, wait, that’s a different day.) It’s a big day — M.L. King Jr. Day and the national college football championship, too. The inauguration is being held indoors on likely the coldest day of the year, which is a good idea. Also easier to secure — no small matter after Butler PA.

 Short & sweet

We would forgive our enemies. “If you’re listening, Liz Cheney and Adam Kinzinger, I’m not coming after you. I won and you lost, that’s retribution enough for me.” The Lincoln “bind up our nation’s wounds,” kind of thing. (Blaska has special reason to hope for clemency.)

We would assure dairy farmers and chain restaurants that we’re not taking away your hired help. But no more Laken Rileys! Sanctuary cities get no more federal aid.

Continuing the better angels of our nature theme, we would announce a criminal pardon for Joe Biden, head of the Biden crime family. As for the January 6 insurrectionists, those who injured police will do the time.

We would tell Ukraine that it will have to relinquish some acreage but that Putin must pay to reconstruct the rest of the country. That war is stalemated worse than the western front in WW1.

Trump will announce he’s going to China, like Nixon, but only after Xi releases businessman and free speech advocate Jimmy Lai. The U.S. can’t afford continued enmity with the only other real super power.

Trump should promise to purge Woke commissars from every branch of federal government. We would require universities to disclose what they’re spending on DEI and deduct that from federal funding.

Throw out a phrase or two in Greenlandic (kalaallisut), an Eskimo–Aleut language spoken only on that ice-bound island. Could translate to what Michael told Moe Greene: “I leave for Mar-a-Lago tomorrow. Think about a price.”

 They are our greatness

Trump’s speech would sound like Aaron Copland’s Fanfare for the Deplorables.

They are the bread and butter of America. They grow our food, truck it to market, and stock our supermarkets. They are the assembly line worker and the miner, the HVAC installer, the crane operator, and the police officer. I say, listen to them, don’t preach at them. For, in the factory, on the farm, at the job site, and around the kitchen table resides the beating heart of America.

They are the people who built this nation, one brick at a time. They do not hate or lodge grievances. They are not haters because they don’t want men in the girls’ locker room. They do not envy those more successful. They demand accountability and responsibility. They judge people by the contents of their character. They look out for their neighbors in need. They want a level playing field, not an equitable scoreboard.

I hear them; I speak for them. They serve as EMTs. They run for school board. They volunteer at the food pantry. Their fraternal clubs hold pancake dinners to raise money for the less fortunate. They go to church and aren’t ashamed to say so. Their sons and daughters sign up for military service to protect our freedoms. 

That, America, is Job Number One of government — federal, state, and local. If we can’t protect our own borders — we are a failed state. If we have to lock up the toothpaste but won’t lock up the criminals, we have failed our neighborhoods. If we cannot put out the fires because we’re too busy saving the planet, we are arrogant and delusional.

Blaska’s Bottom Line: We’ll throw in an oblique admission about losing the 2020 election and blame the mix-up on poor staff work and a hacked Texas Instruments calculator. That might not survive the final cut but, at least, no pigs in the basement.

What would YOU write?