Predictions from a troubled mind, January to June 2024

featuring everyone’s favorite computer, Ol’ Sparky!

We gave Ol’ Sparky, our Eisenhower-era mainframe computer, an Arthur Fonzarelli kick in the hard drive to startle it to life, then queried the clattering contraption what might we see in the new year, 2024. The vacuum tubes fairly twinkled with delight as a Zager and Evans soundtrack (“In the year, twenty-four, twenty-four ….”) squeaked through tinny piezo-electric speakers.

Even the faceless bureaucrats at Blaska Policy Werkes were sore amazed at what came streaming out of the old relic: 156 fanfold pages of “All work and no play make Jack a dull boy.” As a last resort, the Werkes braintrust hunkered down with Number #2 pencils, yellow legal pads, and a Magic 8 Ball to produce these prescient prognostications:

January

Donald Trump admits he lost in 2020 and promises to do better next time. The Base calls him a RiNO.

January 6 re-enactors record a guided tour of Capitol for Fox Nation subscription-only special. Tom Hanks brings his everyman persona to his portrayal of the QAnon Shaman of Peace.

At next Republican debate Vivek Ramaswamy unveils his Giant Dehydrator and Beef Jerky Machine. “But wait, there’s more!” he exclaims when the buzzer signals his time is up.

Posing as Enrico Pallazzo, Jaire Alexander sings National Anthem at playoff game, in Italian.

Maine secretary of state bans Trump from 2028, 2032, and 2036 presidential ballots.

February

Travis Kelce’s girlfriend named NFL MVP.

Mark Pocan named honorary IDF colonel.

To ensure competitive elections, Wisconsin Supreme Court buses Madison progressives to Waukesha and West Bend. Orders land bridge to Madeleine and Washington islands.

Maine secretary of state cancels Trump’s frequent flier miles. 

Posing as line judge in the Super Bowl, Jaire Alexander tosses Packer GM Brian Gutekunst for unsportsmanlike like conduct.

March

Academy Awards hand best nature documentary Oscar to former UW-La Crosse chancellor Joe Gow and his hot-to-trot wife, Carmel Wilson.

Delaware justice of the peace Bunter Hiden issues 146 new criminal indictments against all the Trumps, including Barron.

NASA announces plans to colonize San Francisco.

Pulitzer prize creates new category for bloggers; Blaska wins.

Jaire Alexander trades Aaron Jones to Calgary Stampeders for case of Molson.

April

Milwaukee Brewers become double A farm team of the San Diego Padres. 

In a blow for diversity, a Jewish lady, Rosanne Barr, named president of Harvard.

Maine secretary of state penalizes Trump for off-sides, unnecessary roughness, and illegal backfield formation.

Robin Vos drops Chamberlin Rock on Chancellor Jennifer Mnookin’s door step.

Jaire Alexander replaces a bound and gagged Jeff Levering in the broadcast booth, discusses Hegelian dialectics with Bob Uecker.

Elon Musk renames X (formerly Twitter) as 👻

May

Joe Biden raises eyebrows after seeking funds to convert White House to assisted living center. Announces first bingo night, new parakeet.

Maine secretary of state revokes Trump’s L.L. Bean catalog subscription.

To settle a wrongful termination lawsuit, UW-Madison Play Circle theater (once named for Fredric March) is renamed for former UW-La Crosse chancellor Joe Gow and his hot-to-trot wife, Carmel Wilson. Live performances announced.

House Select Committee to Investigate the January 6 Attack on the U.S. Capitol renewed for another six episodes. Amy Schumer to take Liz Cheney role. Cedric the Entertainer signed to play “Cedric, the Chairman.”

Former UW-La Crosse chancellor Joe Gow and his hot-to-trot wife, Carmel Wilson pitch School of Rock spin-off, School of Porn.

June

Bud Light signs Sam Brinton as new brand influencer.

Gavin Newsom moves out of California in jalopy piled high with furniture, kids, and grandma on a rocker. He sings “Cally forny is the place I fought to flee.” Banjo music is heard.

Planned Parenthood sponsors Netflix pic titled “A Star Is Unborn.”

Jaire Alexander calls an audible, 101st Airborne Division invades Iran.

Maine secretary of state revokes Trump’s Bangor ME privileges for failure to throw fight. Says “We’re cool now.”

Blaska’s Bottom Line: Given our druthers, we would skip 2024 altogether and move right on to 2025 but the calendars have already been printed.

Where are YOUR druthers?