Headlines we don’t need to read

Must’ve been a slow news day!

We conjured a fair number of newspaper headlines back in our days as an ink-stained wretch. Needed to be epigrammatic to fit in the allowed space but compelling to attract readers. Action verbs, Anglo-Saxon words over multi-syllabic latinates. Alliteration for bonus points. Never attempted the bravado of the radio shock jock who began his newscast reporting on a highway accident: “HAMBURGER ON THE HIGHWAY!”

The New York tabloids are consistent winners. About the serially deviant Democrat Anthony Wiener the Daily Mirror wrote: “Same old schlong and dance.” (More goodies here.) Our favorite was caused by insufficient kerning — that is, spacing between words — analyzing the governor’s veto powers turned into something quite different. The page one headline in the Appleton Post Crescent: “Tommy Thompson’s penis mightier than sword.

Book cover: What liberal news media:
    I don’t see no liberal media!

Like Chuckles the Clown we enjoy a little seltzer down the pants with our song and dance. Except at the New York Post, Woke social justice scolds are wrecking the news business. We submit these headlines as Exhibits A in our indictment of PC journalism:

“British Sikh army officer becomes first woman of color to ski solo to the South Pole.” — Who does that still leave?

“The radical normalcy of a trans ‘Jeopardy!’ winner.” Where else but the New York Times?  Do they still get the Rodgers discount?

“Madison celebrates adult crossing guard recognition week”City of Madison. Cue Kool and the Gang! Celebrate good times, come on!

White Man's Law book cover
    Book we are so NOT reading!

“Dane County launches study of equity and inclusion in parks, Vilas Zoo”Madison365. The Lion sleeps tonight, but with whom? 

“Wisconsin’s only gas station owned by a black woman has been sold — to another black woman.”Milwaukee Journal Sentinel. Does Ripley’s Believe It Or Not know about this?!

“Patton Oswalt defends his longtime friendship with Dave Chappelle.”CNN. If Oswalt succumbs to PC pressure, can we take his place?

“Michelle Obama’s urgent message about this year’s midterm elections.” — Not so urgent that we can’t skip it. CNN (of course).

Kids book about systemic racism
                    Child abuse

“What we can learn from Portland’s Queen of the Bolsheviks.” — That communism still fails, dear comrades at The Nation.

“How climate change and Covid are transforming skiing.” — If we don’t wear face masks, it will change bowling.

Comedian confronts Matt Gaetz about January 6.” We’ll wait for the “Matt Gaetz confronts comedian” story.

“Do I have to read my child anti-racist books, even when they’re bad?”NY Times. Hey, ever heard of Father Flanagan? No such thing as a bad boy! Oh, it’s the books that are bad?

“How to recognize and combat implicit bias at work.” — MSNBC. “Winston Smith, report to the personnel office!”  

“Martin Luther King Jr. and the unfinished work of abolishing poverty.”John Nichols. Don’t forget the unfinished work of abolishing crime, unwed parenthood, substance abuse, and school truancy. Or do socialists really believe you just pass a law?

“Protecting voting rights isn’t enough to save democracy.”Vox. Progressives! They’re never satisfied.

“Adam Schiff says …” Nope. The Werkes is a No Adam Schiff zone.

Blaska’s Bottom Feeder Headline: “Waukesha will hold a moment of silence today, marking one week since a car drove through a city Christmas parade, killing six people and injuring scores of others” — CNN. Quick, John Chisholm, arrest Elon Musk!!

What’s your gonna-skip-it headline?

About David Blaska

Madison WI
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9 Responses to Headlines we don’t need to read

  1. One eye says:

    “3 community leaders receive City-County Humanitarian awards during virtual MLK Day observance”

    Shocked that Madison is patting itself on the back again.

    “Are your policies working?”

    “Uh…look at all the awards I have!”

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Steve says:

    Very clever!


  3. One eye says:

    Any headline with the words “breaks silence” is cringeworthy, unless applied to someone who descends from Tibetan mountains after being up there at least 10 years.

    Oh you were silent for 2 days? Clap clap clap.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. One eye says:

    Classic from today’s NY Post:

    “Sects and Lies How I escaped a Jewish cult that demanded I marry my cousin”


  5. richard lesiak says:

    Lindell TV. Scary enough for ‘ya. They now claim that faux news is their enemy.


  6. Gary L. Kriewald says:

    “State Street Shop Owners Welcome Plywood on Windows, Claim Glass Too Transparent”

    Liked by 2 people

  7. pANTIFArts says:

    Re: the unfortunate Thompson “kerning” example–

    “Blaska enjoys cooking his family and his pets.” —(use commas and save lives)

    Liked by 1 person

    • pANTIFArts says:

      Update: (from non-partisan fact checking site Snopes)

      “Although no evidence exists for the veracity of the statement, prominent Conservative Blaska has, on occasion, written about a grill, his wife and #1 son, and a purebreed Himalayan Batcatcher cat (whose home they all share). Therefore, Snopes rates this statement —Inconclusive
      (note, this might not be real, and just a cheap swipe, on my part, at Snopes)


  8. georgessson says:

    Stop it, Mon Capitan… Sensory overload, Bigtime. I read the tease from the Daily Mirror, promptly energized reverse thrust via nasal cavity, and wisely bookmarked the rest. Will read AM manana, likely just be spewin’ coffee, not adult beverages.


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