Fundraising festival will help the school
pay off its legal bills fighting the City of Madison
Girls just wanna play soccer!
Teenagers are driving cars like they stole them (which they did). They’re crashing into homes and innocent motorists all over town. Minority students in the city’s public schools are functionally illiterate. Madison families are sending their kids to suburban schools or private schools in town, like Edgewood high school. What is the City of Madison’s response? They’re afraid a girls’ soccer game might break out at that Catholic high school.
Nothing in Edgewood high school’s master plan specifically allows competitive girls soccer, the pecksniffs on the Madison Plan Commission have decreed. The city arbiters are kowtowing to the well heeled and politically correct inhabitants of the Monroe-Dudgeon neighborhood. These good liberal/progressive/socialists are fighting Edgewood’s proposal to install spectator stands, bathrooms, lights and sound to its athletic field so that school sports teams can play on their home field like everyone else. The WI State Journal reports that over 100 people, most of them NIMBYs, spoke at Monday night’s (08-26-19) seven-hour plan commission meeting. As is customary in city politics, the commission came to no conclusion.
Fun for the whole family!
Blaska Policy Werkes concludes there are worse things than a two-hour high school football game on a Friday night where maybe one thousand fans attend. Things like kids stealing cars right out of your garage. Given that the even-tonier University Heights neighborhood abuts Camp Randall field where 80,000+ Badger football fans revel all day long and into the night, especially after night games. Drinking beer and Jello shots, unlike high school sporting events.
Edgewood has brought suit in federal court alleging religious discrimination, given that public high schools like Madison Memorial play on their home fields while Edgewood is forced to play all its games as away games. That lawsuit and the Jarndyce v Jarndyce saga with city planning is running up the school’s legal bills.
Blaska Policy Werkes to the rescue! Our event planners have drawn up a fund-raising festival we’re calling “Make Edgewood Great Again.” Admittance to MEGA-fest is free to the school’s Monroe Street neighbors!
Madison’s favorite governor
The all-day spectacle begins with a welcoming address by former governor Scott Walker (“The Reforms are Working”) over a rented sound system. Shut-ins for blocks around will hear every syllable! Following is the dedication of the Bishop Morlino Memorial Shrine for the Victims of Abortion.
Kate Smith’s recording of God Bless America precedes a low-altitude flyover by the Air National Guard’s new F-35 fighter jets. (Flying so low, as General Buck Turgidson described it, the exhaust will fry chickens in the neighbors’ back yards!) And what a midway! MEGA-fest will feature traditional Wisconsin festival activities:
- smash a Prius ($1 per swing of the sledgehammer)
- wet bikini contest
- motorcycle burnouts on Monroe Street
- greased pig wrestling
- Civil War re-enactment (will the South win this time?)
- captive elephant parade
- carnival freak shows (don’t miss the Bearded Lady)
- Coors beer tent
- hip hop music battle of the bands
- all-faiths spanferkel
- Hobby Lobby crafts fair
- Chick-fil-A food stand
- dunk tank (Mayor Satya Rhodes-Conway, Brenda Konkel, and Sen. Tammy Baldwin, invited)
Headlining MEGA-Fest is special guest star Andrew Dice Clay, reprising some of his classic routines from the 1990s (including the one about Little Bo Peep and her sheep).
Do you smell smoke?
Vicki McKenna & Brian Schimming will do a live remote for their WIBA radio show. Security provided by Los Diablos motorcycle club (more multi-culture). An educational aspect: sign-up for NRA concealed carry firearms course. Visit the U.S. Marine recruitment booth. Be sure to sign the Recall Mark Pocan petitions!
You won’t want to miss the evening’s finish-to-the-death automobile demolition derby! (Blaska’s legal department concludes there is nothing in the campus master plan specifically prohibiting automobile demolition derbies.) Thrill to the wanton destruction of Detroit steel — metal grinding against metal. Tires churning up that rich Madison alluvial soil, spraying participants and spectators alike. Pungent, black engine exhaust wafting over the rooftops.
MEGA-fest ends with a midnight fireworks display timed to Wagner’s Ride of the Valkyries.
Blaska’s Bottom Line: Time for the Edgewood Crusaders to raise high the crucifix and channel some Constantine the Great: “By this sign you will conquer.”