If you’re like me (God help you), it’s not Christmas until Hans Gruber falls from Nakatomi tower.
In that spirit, the Policy Werkes is field-testing holiday gifts to place under the highly flammable sapling at Stately Blaska Manor. There’s something for everyone under our recycled tree. (We never thought it was such a bad tree. Should be good for a few more years.)
Is anyone hotter right now than Freddie Mercury? We are the champions, my friends!
You Beatles fans will want a T-shirt commemorating the 50th anniversary of the release of their landmark White Album. Sizes S to XXXL. Colors: White.
Speaking of Icons, how about an (In)Action figure of The Notorious RBG. (“Help, I’ve fallen and can’t get up” monitor sold separately.)
Grievance-mongers of the world unite! Keep track of May Day, Red Army Day, and October Revolution Day and other subversive holidays with this calendar from The Nation. For the professional victim only.
For a more constructive gift, help Donald Build the Wall only $30 (not $5 billion!)
It’s visiting day every day when you Send Hillary to Prison for only $15. Lock her up!
Pop open that cold bottle of brew. When you’re done, signal your significant other it’s time to “Beer Me!” (Brew not included.)
For Christmas, more than your toes will twinkle when you light up your life with these beard ornaments. (Beard not included.)
Don’t forget our friends at Freedom Inc.! They’ll love these F-bombing lights. All 10 of them!
But wait, there’s more!
Ladies! Are you lonely tonight? Warm up with Ryan Gosling’s husband pillow. (Specify snoring or non-snoring.)
For the relative who has everything: a yodeling pickle. (Ages 3 and up.)
Over-indulge the wassail bowl? Glow Bowl is the coolest NEW way to safely navigate the bathroom at night and stop those messy toilet misses forever!
What could be more soothing than a Bob Ross coffee mug? Well, perhaps a healthy dose of rum in the toddy. Pour in anything hot — a beautiful Bob Ross painting will appear behind Bob and his paint brush. Another triumph of capitalism!
Now, for real and serious
Help those who need our help the most. No, not with More Free Stuff but with help that will give a lifetime: the gift of literacy! Help tutor a neighborhood kid.
Think of the value a one-on-one tutor could mean for a child. Think of an adult mentoring and instructing a child. Promoting the success and self-esteem of students has proven critically important in achieving better outcomes for kids living on the margins.
The Madison Community Policing Foundation is accepting donations online and by mail for a newly created “community reading fund.” You can donate at madisoncommunitypolicingfoundation.org. Or label your check “Community Read” and send it to the Madison Community Policing Foundation at P.O. Box 44246, Madison, WI 53744.
Speaking of reading:
• Stu Levitan is a hopeless old-school liberal but the man can write. Madison in the Sixties.
• Struggling young writer Christian Schneider has an alternative book of history: 1916: The Blog.
• You want non-P.C.? Then you want Mike Baron’s Not Fade Away: Bad Road Rising Book 3