And Keith Richards is still alive. Not human, but still alive.
The indentured servants, pitchforks hoisted, have taken over Stately Blaska Manor and commandeered its bank of hi-def televisions in the pursuit of vicarious glory by watching highly skilled athletes batter themselves senseless. No, not politics — football!
The servants’ simple but non-negotiable demand is that the Big Fourteen football conference redress the shame of Friday’s bowls, even if they must root today for Ohio State to beat a team coached by a man named Dab ‘o Swine-meat.
We fired up Old Sparky, our Eisenhower-era mainframe computer to predict the likely winner. Or tried to. It was froze up, someone having drank the anti-freeze (which was pure Haitian rum). So we resorted to a gizmo that we acquired years ago via an advertisement in the back of Boys’ Life magazine. It can reputedly can see into the future (batteries not included). Prediction: Clemson 24, Ohio State 21.
The Manor will be on lock down for Sunday evening’s triumph of the Green Bay Packers. We look for Ty and a man named Christine to run for a combined 180 yards, Aaron Rodgers and Jordy Nelson to click like castanets in a mariachi band, and Mathews/Peppers/Perry & Co. to make Matthew Stafford eat turf and like it. Prediction: Green Bay 4 Lambeau’s a-leaping, 3 sacks a-sacking, and 2 field goals a-making; Losing Lions 24.
Monday at the Cottonelle Bowl, the University of Wisconsin Badgers will demolish West Northeast Directional State University, which plays in the Fall Instructional League sponsored by the local carwash. Prediction: Wisconsin A+ and the dean’s list, Directional State, an incomplete.
Bonus rant: Do you almost feel sorry for Bret Bielema decamping to a league with players who, among other transgressions, shoplift their bowl sponsor? Me neither.
Our Miss Vicki takes on CNN
CNN (known in some circles as the Clinton News Network) is playing the version of the race card game known as “quotas.” The president-elect, the network claims, has not appointed enough black people to his cabinet. CNN is, of course, guilty of the reverse racism that posits that black = liberal, black = angry, black = victim in need of the ministrations of the super state.
“White men dominate Trump’s top cabinet posts!” Cue the Klan!
Unless you have enough black people at Cabinet meetings, how can Donald Trump relate to the problems of Black America? Easy.
This form of reverse racism posits that a Black Li(v)es Matter DeeRay McKesson is the rough equivalent of a Sheriff David Clarke. That one Al Sharpton equals a Ben Carson. Roughly equal amounts of melanin, so what’s the diff? That line of emoting (substituted for reasoning) posits that road to success follows two separate but unequal paths, one for whites and another for people of color. That’s nothing but Jim Crow II.
Our good friend Vicki McKenna demolishes that thinking in her set-to with two liberals. (Not a fair fight!)
Trump derangement syndrome knows no bounds
It should be noted that some conservatives also suffer from post-traumatic Trump Derangement Syndrome, which we diagnosed earlier. One such is a friend of long standing. He had been barraging the Manor with a hailstorm of ever-more petty and irrelevant e-mails — all supposedly detailing the rack and ruin The Donald will bring to earth and its permeable crust. Goggle-eyed technicians here at the Observatory checked that the Gregorian calendar remained in use, not the Julian. They confirmed THE ELECTION IS OVER!
Staff at the Rest Home for Deranged Victims prescribed the standard treatment protocol: a Trump-free diet. No talk radio, no TV pundits, no print analysis, no on-line surfing about The Donald, his appointees, or his unrealistically photogenic family. Cold turkey. Until the addiction is broken, all communications transmitted to the Manor are being electronically blocked. It ain’t pretty but this is what tough love looks like.
Platinum subscriber bonus throw-aways
• Dead on arrival is the Left’s assault on the First Amendment by constitutional amendment. The Policy Werkes intercepted this communiqué:
“End Citizens United is a Political Action Committee dedicated to electing Democrats, transforming our broken campaign finance system, and ultimately ending Citizens United. We begged. … With just 12 hours to go, we still need 3,257 donations to hold Trump accountable.”
Something tells me they could get 3,258 donations and it still would not deter Trump, Paul Ryan, Mitch McConnell, or the ninth supreme court justice about to be nominated.
• What does it tell you that the Madison Police Department Policy & Procedure Review Ad Hoc Committe next meets at the Urban League of Greater Madison, 2222 S Park St.? (5:30 p.m. Thursday, January 5). That’s the committee spending $400,000 to study why Madison police are the problem and not crime. Of interest to all is this item on the agenda: “Discuss and decide on specific areas of interest for future presentations to the Committee.” In other words, they will decide what they want to hear.
• Am I old-fashioned? Or just old? Came across a photo of Ronda Rousey getting battered in a boxing match. I hate to see women hitting each other.
• Cheap thrills: walking down the aisle of coolers Woodman’s collection of craft beers. Take that, Bernie Sanders!
Happy New Year one and all!