Move aside, Martha Stewart

Bork, bork, bork!

When better Christmas cookies are made, the indentured servants at Blaska Nuclear Test Kitchens will eat them. Until then, our experiments will continue until hunger in America is vanquished. Number One Son mixed corn flakes (Kelloggs, but Post or Shurfine will work), butter (lightly salted), and melted marshmallow. (They wouldn’t make them if they weren’t good for you.) Throw in some green food dye. Stir with a big wooden spoon, preferably one handed down from grandma.

Smash a fistful of the resultant concoction into a ball using well greased hands (your own or the scullery maid’s).

Atop this goo the Head Taste Tester inserts a red cinnamon candy dot. (Available everywhere red cinnamon candy dots are sold.) We call them “Grinch Balls.”

[INSERT TASTELESS POLITICAL JOKE HERE]

Our consumer research, as processed by Ol’ Sparky (Our Eisenhower-era mainframe computer), shows that some customers want more red cinnamon candy dots, some want none at all.  To satisfy the Werkes’ growing customer base and to keep America strong, we now offer three options. At left is the no-red cinnamon candy dot version. In the middle, double your pleasure!

At right is our patent-pending cookie, suitable for the chronically undecideds (who seem to determine every election). The red cinnamon candy dot is hermetically sealed into a tiny nitroglycerine bottle. If you don’t like red cinnamon candy dots, simply unscrew the lid and shake the bottle! The red cinnamon candy dot will fall harmlessly to the floor! We hear  the Keebler elves are interested in a franchise.

Blaska’s Bottom Line: On behalf of the indentured servants, gray lab coats, unlettered field hands, Number One Son, and the Lovely Lisa — the head groundskeeper (and taste tester) wishes you Merry Christmas!

 

About David Blaska

Madison WI
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12 Responses to Move aside, Martha Stewart

  1. Good Dog,Happy Man says:

    Dear Humble Squire and fellow irascible bloggeurs and bloggettes,

    Merry Christmas to all y’all.

    This holiday (i.e., holy day) season allow me to share the gift of music. This is one of my very top favorites “The Rebel Jesus” is sung by Jackson Browne with the Chieftains.

    God bless us each and every one.

    GDHM

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  2. Marge Bils says:

    Merry Christmas irascible David, dear Lisa & Number One son. May the “Spirits” of Christmas treat you well!

    Like

  3. Cornelius Gotchberg says:

    As visually…um…questionable as those Grinch Balls appear, The Gotch would serve them well before he served any rancid donuts from you-know-where.

    Merry Christmas to all from both Yours Truly and the lovely and long suffering Mrs. Gotch.

    The Gotch

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  4. richard lesiak says:

    Well bless your heart. Glad to see your so full of the Xmas spirit.

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  5. pANTIFArts says:

    Have a Merry Christmas, (or do the best you can), to each and every one of you. Thank you all for letting me join in your discussions here these last 6 months. Your blend of thoughtful analysis, biting satire, and playful irreverent humor, is something I can relate to (obviously).
    I wonder if Ald. “Mad” Max Pastagercimo (sp) will get that new “Spiderman” bullhorn he DM’d Santa about. Just picture him sitting in his footie pajamas, and using it to encourage all his “Star Wars” action figures (properly masked, of course) to “occupy” a newly constructed Lego town, and “F#&k $h!t Up!!!”

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  6. Cornelius Gotchberg says:

    RIP Leslie Mississippi Queen West!

    The Gotch

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  7. Kevin S Wymore says:

    We still love you, Richard Lesiak. Especially on Christmas, when our dear Savior was born. It’s some of your policy preferences on which I beg to differ. Look on the bright side, Wisconsin’s population is going up; the count in tax-happy Illinois has gone down by 240,000 since the last Census.

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  8. richard lesiak says:

    Are you talking about trump. Throwing the entire nation into turmoil and then Running to Fld. to smack his balls around on our dime. All his supporters in DC just got a big kick in the nuts. Merry Xmas Turtle- you utter moron.

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