Bork, bork, bork!
When better Christmas cookies are made, the indentured servants at Blaska Nuclear Test Kitchens will eat them. Until then, our experiments will continue until hunger in America is vanquished. Number One Son mixed corn flakes (Kelloggs, but Post or Shurfine will work), butter (lightly salted), and melted marshmallow. (They wouldn’t make them if they weren’t good for you.) Throw in some green food dye. Stir with a big wooden spoon, preferably one handed down from grandma.
Smash a fistful of the resultant concoction into a ball using well greased hands (your own or the scullery maid’s).
Atop this goo the Head Taste Tester inserts a red cinnamon candy dot. (Available everywhere red cinnamon candy dots are sold.) We call them “Grinch Balls.”
[INSERT TASTELESS POLITICAL JOKE HERE]
Our consumer research, as processed by Ol’ Sparky (Our Eisenhower-era mainframe computer), shows that some customers want more red cinnamon candy dots, some want none at all. To satisfy the Werkes’ growing customer base and to keep America strong, we now offer three options. At left is the no-red cinnamon candy dot version. In the middle, double your pleasure!
At right is our patent-pending cookie, suitable for the chronically undecideds (who seem to determine every election). The red cinnamon candy dot is hermetically sealed into a tiny nitroglycerine bottle. If you don’t like red cinnamon candy dots, simply unscrew the lid and shake the bottle! The red cinnamon candy dot will fall harmlessly to the floor! We hear the Keebler elves are interested in a franchise.
Blaska’s Bottom Line: On behalf of the indentured servants, gray lab coats, unlettered field hands, Number One Son, and the Lovely Lisa — the head groundskeeper (and taste tester) wishes you Merry Christmas!