Amazing predictions for the New Year! Part #1

The Werkes is totally unpredictable!

After treating Ol’ Sparky to an underbody bug blast, spot-free rinse, and protective carnauba waxing at Mermaid Car Wash, the faceless bureaucrats at the Werkes tasked the Eisenhower-era mainframe computer to forecast the great events of the new year, 2023. After first insisting, “Sorry, Dave, I cannot do that,” a good whack with a ball peen hammer shook out these predictions and three lug nuts:

Dane County Board authorizes big, beautiful new jail after it is pitched as Frank Lloyd Wright’s lost design for low-income housing.

•  Testifying before the House January 6 committee chaired by Jim Jordan, Ray Epps confesses that he was the FBI mole who goaded AARP tour bus passengers — they had been marching peacefully and patriotically to the Smithsonian stamp museum —into becoming crazed insurrectionists. Republican committee refers masterminds Nancy Pelosi and Mike Pence for criminal prosecution.

•  Tucker Carlson guest hosts the popular game show, Jeopardy. Celebrity contestant Volodymyr Zelensky says, “I’ll take ‘Unprovoked Russian Invasion’ for $500, Tuck.” Zelensky then tries to win Terry Bradshaw’s money.

• Alabama bolts SEC for the Big Ten, followed by Clemson, LSU, Texas, Florida State, Brown, UW-River Falls, and the Chicago Bears.

•  Assembly Speaker Robin Vos offers Timothy Ramthun a drink. “Today I settled all family business, so don’t tell me you’re innocent! Because it insults my intelligence — makes me very angry.”

•  Attempting to rehabilitate his image, Donald Tr•mp invites cryptocurrency scammer Sam Bankman-Fried and Long Island liar George Santos for dinner at Mar-a-Lago. It’s pot luck.

•  Last-minute write-in Paul Soglin defeats mayoral candidates Satya Rhodes Conway and Gloria Reyes. Immediately announces retirement. 

•  King Charles 3 dissolves parliament, defeats the Roundheads, subdues Scotland, calls for a Crusade to free the Holy Land from the Saracens. Wipes hands on dogs under his feast table, at which several wenches are seated.

• A famous personality dies who you could have sworn was already dead.

• Police Chief Shon Barnes tells Tony Galli of WKOW-TV 27, “Alright. This one time — this one time I’ll let you ask me about my affairs.”

• Chamberlin Rock found to have healing properties, particularly against Covid-19. Church investigates several miracles. Shrine contemplated.

• John Nichols named new head of WI Manufacturers & Commerce. Calls for flat tax and privatizing postal service.

• NFL bans blocking and tackling; adopts flag football rules, admits women.

• After Hunter Biden implicates father in China pay for play, Joe Biden says: “I have a sentimental weakness for my children and I spoil them, as you can see. They talk when they should listen.”

Blaska’s Bottom Line bonus prediction: After scamming the Make-a-Wish Foundation, Blaska gets named editor of the Wisconsin State Journal, endorses himself for school board, restores comics, prints last night’s football scores, then attempts humorous column predicting the future.

What do YOU predict?


About David Blaska

Madison WI
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32 Responses to Amazing predictions for the New Year! Part #1

  1. Cornelius_Gotchberg says:

    Righty finds way to get DementiaJoke to DEFEND_SOUTHERN_BORDER.

    Immediately dismissed ad RAYcist…

    The Gotch

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Wm. Tyroler says:

    “John Nichols named new head of WI Manufacturers & Commerce. Calls for flat tax and privatizing postal service.”

    Well, he’ll have Mayor Dave’s support if nothing else: Incidentally, it’s good to know that Mayor Dave is all in favor of bloated government until he experiences it first-hand, at which point he unfurls the black flag. Someone might want to gently inform him that if the “high-speed” rail he favors comes to pass and he finds its service wanting, abolishing the thing won’t be an option (

    Liked by 2 people

  3. One Eye says:

    WNBA commissioner (there is one right?) announces new marketing plan … all players will be REQUIRED to carry illegal drugs on their person when travelling.

    Michael Jordan announces unretirement, identifies as female and proceeds to average 170 pts per game while leading his (insert Wnba team name) to the title. He took it personally.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. One Eye says:

    MSM reports official cause of death of Barbara Walters:

    Covid with insurrection-related comorbidities.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. One Eye says:

    Congress opens hearings into the month-long CHAZ secession.

    Just kidding, it’s all “Insurrection, insurrection, insurrection!”. Sorry Jan, Marcia was always prettier.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. One Eye says:

    The full on race war begins coincidentally on the same day of the Manson family reunion. Paul McCartney admits he was in on it the whole time and was envious of Charly’s song writing abilities.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. One Eye says:

    Corpse of Joe Biden announces reelection bid. Kamala protests: “But I supposed to be Pwesident!”. Pelosi responds “Shut your trap honey, men are talking”.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. One Eye says:

    Satya Rhodes-Conway outlines new diversity initiative to include conservative voices in city government. Announcement comes on April 1.

    Liked by 2 people

  9. richard lesiak says:

    Kari Lake loses appeal #127. Decides to take the job of Chief of Staff for George Santos.

    Liked by 2 people

  10. Cornelius_Gotchberg says:

    Citing a wealth of experience, Hunty Biden launches a SNOW_REMOVAL_BUSINESS in order to defray the attorney’s fees for his rapidly deteriorating legal situation.

    Global Warming, zero work ethic, being generationally ‘nadless, and a sadly saddled with being a career Lefty quickly derail these best laid plans.

    The Gotch

    Liked by 1 person

  11. tartanmarine says:

    Catholic Church goes (more) woke, announces next Pope will be transsexual.


  12. Cornelius_Gotchberg says:

    Bi-Polar bares owners, the McCaskeys, will sell the (HEH!) 3-13 midgets of the midway to Disney Corporation.

    Why? They’ll know best what to do with a Mickey Mouse Outfit


    The Gotch

    Liked by 1 person

  13. richard lesiak says:



    • nemoofthenorth says:

      After watching the ceremony I have to admit, I had no idea that Tony was married to Violet Beauregarde! Glad to see they got the blueberry juice out of her back in ’71, but a little sad that the Oompa Loopa song apparently did not sink in…


  14. richard lesiak says:

    Prediction .. Lions end Green Bay’s season.


  15. One Eye says:

    Miriam Potter-Carre releases her long awaited memoir:

    “Bands of Money: trapped by White Supremacy in the Heartland”

    It is #1 on NY Times bestseller list for 35 weeks.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Cornelius_Gotchberg says:

      TOP NOTCH prognosticatin’ there, OE!

      Spike Lee would direct the digitally…um…youthfulized JLo as Potter-Carre and Omar Epps as Khari Sanford.

      And if she finds all the weight she lost, Melissa McCarthy as Mayor SRC for the Restorative Justice Works! scenes…

      The Gotch


      • One Eye says:

        Hmmmm… add an estrogen enhanced Ben Affleck as Robin Carre and I see Oscar potential.

        Liked by 1 person

        • Cornelius_Gotchberg says:

          Not Affleck, his Slave Owning Ancestry wouldn’t make it past Lee’s ever-vigilant/hyper-sensitive RAYcism detectors.

          That’s a past you can only get…um…PAST if you’re Hopeless Changey or Kamala Harris.

          More importantly, who plays the local…er…Conservative Firebrand Bloggeur who deftly chronicled the whole thing as it unfolded…which would be Herr Blaska himself?

          1st choice Robin Williams is (regrettably) no longer with us and Jack Nicholson is too old, so The Gotch is thinking (if George Clooney is unavailable)…Gary Sinise…

          The Gotch


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