Amazing predictions for the New Year! Part #1

The Werkes is totally unpredictable!

After treating Ol’ Sparky to an underbody bug blast, spot-free rinse, and protective carnauba waxing at Mermaid Car Wash, the faceless bureaucrats at the Werkes tasked the Eisenhower-era mainframe computer to forecast the great events of the new year, 2023. After first insisting, “Sorry, Dave, I cannot do that,” a good whack with a ball peen hammer shook out these predictions and three lug nuts:


Dane County Board authorizes big, beautiful new jail after it is pitched as Frank Lloyd Wright’s lost design for low-income housing.

•  Testifying before the House January 6 committee chaired by Jim Jordan, Ray Epps confesses that he was the FBI mole who goaded AARP tour bus passengers — they had been marching peacefully and patriotically to the Smithsonian stamp museum —into becoming crazed insurrectionists. Republican committee refers masterminds Nancy Pelosi and Mike Pence for criminal prosecution.

•  Tucker Carlson guest hosts the popular game show, Jeopardy. Celebrity contestant Volodymyr Zelensky says, “I’ll take ‘Unprovoked Russian Invasion’ for $500, Tuck.” Zelensky then tries to win Terry Bradshaw’s money.

• Alabama bolts SEC for the Big Ten, followed by Clemson, LSU, Texas, Florida State, Brown, UW-River Falls, and the Chicago Bears.

•  Assembly Speaker Robin Vos offers Timothy Ramthun a drink. “Today I settled all family business, so don’t tell me you’re innocent! Because it insults my intelligence — makes me very angry.”


•  Attempting to rehabilitate his image, Donald Tr•mp invites cryptocurrency scammer Sam Bankman-Fried and Long Island liar George Santos for dinner at Mar-a-Lago. It’s pot luck.

•  Last-minute write-in Paul Soglin defeats mayoral candidates Satya Rhodes Conway and Gloria Reyes. Immediately announces retirement. 

•  King Charles 3 dissolves parliament, defeats the Roundheads, subdues Scotland, calls for a Crusade to free the Holy Land from the Saracens. Wipes hands on dogs under his feast table, at which several wenches are seated.

• A famous personality dies who you could have sworn was already dead.

• Police Chief Shon Barnes tells Tony Galli of WKOW-TV 27, “Alright. This one time — this one time I’ll let you ask me about my affairs.”


• Chamberlin Rock found to have healing properties, particularly against Covid-19. Church investigates several miracles. Shrine contemplated.

• John Nichols named new head of WI Manufacturers & Commerce. Calls for flat tax and privatizing postal service.

• NFL bans blocking and tackling; adopts flag football rules, admits women.

• After Hunter Biden implicates father in China pay for play, Joe Biden says: “I have a sentimental weakness for my children and I spoil them, as you can see. They talk when they should listen.”

Blaska’s Bottom Line bonus prediction: After scamming the Make-a-Wish Foundation, Blaska gets named editor of the Wisconsin State Journal, endorses himself for school board, restores comics, prints last night’s football scores, then attempts humorous column predicting the future.

What do YOU predict?

About David Blaska

Madison WI
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32 Responses to Amazing predictions for the New Year! Part #1

  1. Gary L. Kriewald says:

    Madison’s mayor announces that she identifies as black, joins DA, Sheriff, and Chief of Police to announce Vision Zero for Crime Initiative.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. richard lesiak says:

    Dem. Hakeem Jeffries elected speaker of the house.

    Like

  3. nemoofthenorth says:

    After beating the Queens in the NFC championship game, the Pack goes on to win their 5th Superbowl. Huzzah!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Cornelius_Gotchberg says:

    Toriana “Always SOME White Supremacy B.S. Pettaway shows up a week before the 2023 Mayoral Election claiming math is RAYcist AND that her three (3) nomination signatures (Donald Duck, Daffy Duck, and her minor child’s “X”) would be enough…were this an Equity-Based process.

    Reactions (reportedly muffled laughter to open guffaws) from Madison’s Chief of Police and the Dane County DA and Sheriff can’t be confirmed…

    The Gotch

    Like

  5. richard lesiak says:

    KEVIN!!!! What the hell boy? Is your spineless butt-kissing BS to tRump catching up to you? The Repugnant, Repellent, Repulsive Right-Wing want to run the country, but they can’t get a speaker elected. Do everyone a favor and bring back Nancy. My prediction? The nation figures out the gop can’t find their ass in their own pants and crushes them next term. I wish you all the bad luck in the world Q-Nuts.

    Like

    • Cornelius_Gotchberg says:

      Let’s see what the Lazy @$$ Blogge Idiot‘s democrat Party is up to:

      democrat tax hikes in effect 01/01/2023:

      *$6.5 Billion Natural Gas Tax Which Will Increase Household Energy Bills
      *$12 Billion Crude Oil Tax Which Will Increase Household Costs
      *$1.2 Billion Coal Tax Which Will Increase Household Energy Bills
      *$74 Billion Stock Tax Hitting Your 401(k)s, IRAs, and Pension Plans SOON!
      *$225 Billion Corporate Income Tax Hike Passed On To Middle-Income Households.

      Who’s paying for this $#!t samitch?

      Working families, by higher prices, fewer jobs, and lower wages.

      The democrat Party = WAR, DEATH, HATRED, RAYCISM, and the FALLING STANDARD OF LIVING!

      DementiaJoKe’s response?

      Learn_To_Code!

      The Gotch

      Like

  6. Stephen M Bledsoe says:

    Badgers win COLLEGE FOOTBALL CHAMPIONSHIP game against ALABAMA on fluke play by walkon QUARTERBACK.

    Like

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