The Werkes is totally unpredictable!

After treating Ol’ Sparky to an underbody bug blast, spot-free rinse, and protective carnauba waxing at Mermaid Car Wash, the faceless bureaucrats at the Werkes tasked the Eisenhower-era mainframe computer to forecast the great events of the new year, 2023. After first insisting, “Sorry, Dave, I cannot do that,” a good whack with a ball peen hammer shook out these predictions and three lug nuts:

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• Dane County Board authorizes big, beautiful new jail after it is pitched as Frank Lloyd Wright’s lost design for low-income housing.

•  Testifying before the House January 6 committee chaired by Jim Jordan, Ray Epps confesses that he was the FBI mole who goaded AARP tour bus passengers — they had been marching peacefully and patriotically to the Smithsonian stamp museum —into becoming crazed insurrectionists. Republican committee refers masterminds Nancy Pelosi and Mike Pence for criminal prosecution.

•  Tucker Carlson guest hosts the popular game show, Jeopardy. Celebrity contestant Volodymyr Zelensky says, “I’ll take ‘Unprovoked Russian Invasion’ for $500, Tuck.” Zelensky then tries to win Terry Bradshaw’s money.

• Alabama bolts SEC for the Big Ten, followed by Clemson, LSU, Texas, Florida State, Brown, UW-River Falls, and the Chicago Bears.

•  Assembly Speaker Robin Vos offers Timothy Ramthun a drink. “Today I settled all family business, so don’t tell me you’re innocent! Because it insults my intelligence — makes me very angry.”

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•  Attempting to rehabilitate his image, Donald Tr•mp invites cryptocurrency scammer Sam Bankman-Fried and Long Island liar George Santos for dinner at Mar-a-Lago. It’s pot luck.

•  Last-minute write-in Paul Soglin defeats mayoral candidates Satya Rhodes Conway and Gloria Reyes. Immediately announces retirement. 

•  King Charles 3 dissolves parliament, defeats the Roundheads, subdues Scotland, calls for a Crusade to free the Holy Land from the Saracens. Wipes hands on dogs under his feast table, at which several wenches are seated.

• A famous personality dies who you could have sworn was already dead.

• Police Chief Shon Barnes tells Tony Galli of WKOW-TV 27, “Alright. This one time — this one time I’ll let you ask me about my affairs.”

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• Chamberlin Rock found to have healing properties, particularly against Covid-19. Church investigates several miracles. Shrine contemplated.

• John Nichols named new head of WI Manufacturers & Commerce. Calls for flat tax and privatizing postal service.

• NFL bans blocking and tackling; adopts flag football rules, admits women.

• After Hunter Biden implicates father in China pay for play, Joe Biden says: “I have a sentimental weakness for my children and I spoil them, as you can see. They talk when they should listen.”

Blaska’s Bottom Line bonus prediction: After scamming the Make-a-Wish Foundation, Blaska gets named editor of the Wisconsin State Journal, endorses himself for school board, restores comics, prints last night’s football scores, then attempts humorous column predicting the future.

What do YOU predict?