Twas a fortnight before Christmas and all through the house,
Squire Blaska is pondering last-minute gifts.
While the movie Die Hard warms conservative hearts in the Christmas spirit, Stephen King’s The Shining is “over-looked” as a Christmas movie. Your Yuletide guests will surely comment when this cozy wintery scene graces your mantle (twins not included):
How many hours of fun could you have opening your bottle of beer and shooting the cap at your friends? How many beers would it take to sharpen your aim before your aim became totally screwed up? An interesting question.
Twelve-month calendars picturing fields of lavender are trite! Return to nature with one the depicts dogs pooping in those lavender fields! Organic and locally sourced!
Unexpected holiday guests? Be prepared with a pantry full of Christmas Dinners in a can! Martha Stewart should be so lucky!
No party pooper should be without this Vomiting toy. Hours of fun! Well, more like the first few seconds, then it would get pretty old.
Get your sweetie to pucker up under the mistletoe with Dill pickle lip balm.
For that special guy, give him soap that makes him smell like gunpowder and whiskey. Better yet, give him a bottle of Jack and a Glock, cheapskate!
Christmas is the season to give ugly sweaters and political T-shirts.
• Quid Pro Joe T-shirt — a sure conversation starter!
• F-bombs away T-shirt — wear it to the next Madison school board meeting! You’ll fit right in!
• Epstein Did Not Kill Himself Christmas sweater. In case anyone hasn’t gotten the message yet.
• In a more politically ecumenical spirit, who doesn’t need a T-shirt reading “May Contain Alcohol“?
• Reindeer boobs will put some jingle in your bells.
What could be more natural than bobbleheads fashioned to look like your recipient Sitting on the Loo?
Even more politically incorrect are Bobbleheads posed as dominatrixes of your special lady. (Unless she really is special.)
Send a message to your liberal acquaintances with this Do-It-Yourself vasectomy kit. Fun for all ages!
This talking Donald Trump figure stands at a podium spouting “Keep America Great!” and other catch phrases. We’re still waiting for Trump on the phone with the Ukraine. (“Do me a favor!”)
Win more political arguments; wear a monocle.
Breathalyzer on a keychain? Might be a good idea on New Year’s Eve. Or before ordering any of this junk. Or reading this blog.